| Path of Faith |
[08 Jun 2007|12:00pm] |
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mood |
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 chipper |
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yesterday was a great day for me. I went to South Haven and as i was walking the beach I was talking to God. I walked not too far, just a little ways when i turned back the other way. As i was walking back i noticed something. Some of my tracks were still there, some of them straight, some of them wondering off. Then i noticed a few spots where there were no tracks anymore because the water had washed them away. These tracks resembled my life. Lately i have been trying to turn my life around. The parts where my path was straight, i knew i was heading in the right direction in the past. Then when my path started to wonder off i knew that those were the times when i was taking the wrong path. The funny thing is that the wonder off path always ended with being washed away by the water. That was the time that i did wrong and God had washed away my sins. When i walked back to the beginning i looked back at my new path and realized that it was much straighter. I knew then that everything was going to be ok and that things were going to turn around. I'm looking to the future and things will be different now but i'm kinda excited about it. I'm tired of always going in and out of the waves. I know my path will not be perfect but it will be a lot straighter! I'm moving on to something better for my life!
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[14 May 2007|10:11pm] |
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mood |
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 indescribable |
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I'm going crazy.........
I need a man........
but then again, that will probably just make me go even more crazy..........
Oh well, that's life!
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[15 Apr 2007|10:26pm] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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It's time for something new. I'm tired of the same things over and over again. I hate have such a routine. I can't wait to just do something besides school and work all the time.
Monday was a crazy and unexpected day. I've been struggling on money a lot lately and monday morning i made $30 just for doing a survey. Then i went babysiting and made $25 in 2 and a half hours. That was sweet. Then while i was walking down the side walk in the middle of a neighborhood, this doe was running down the side walk on the other side of the street. It was a random day and it made me feel so good. Nothing went as I planned and everything turned out better.
I'm just tired of struggling and feeling like i have to depend on other people. I'm a very independent person and i have been making my own money since i was $12. I'm lucky enough to have my parents help me out when i need them but unless it comes to my phone, car, and school, i'm on my own. As of recently though, i'm doing school on my own. I'm taking out loans because my parents are struggling too. Thank God my back has been doing so good, i feel like i can actually get out there and get a good job that will pay a lot more than what i'm getting payed with three jobs.
Today i got up and went to church and the lesson was about prayer. i love hearing stories about people and how their prayers have been answered. I'm a praying person but lately i've realized that when i need support the most from God, i haven't asked for it. Hopefully, things will get better. I know God has a plan for me and we have to learn through the struggles.
It's just so helpful when you have friends to help you out in times of need. That's how you know you have good friends. So i want to say thank you to Jenn most of all for always watching my back. It's good to know that i can depend on her and she can depend on me when we both need it. Whenever i am down, or i need help, she will be there and whenever she needs the same, i try to be there.
Kayla is another person who is not just an amazing sister but a great friend. She too knows how to make things better. I can talk to her about anything and she will help me out in times of need. Kelly thank you for being so understanding and always telling me straight up about things. I know things have been crazy on and off this year but you always put up with me and my "problems" and i thank you for giving me the christian advice that i sometimes need to hear. Adam has also been one of those great friends. He too does not have much money but that doesn't matter to him, when i'm down, he will take me out and treat me like a queen just so i feel better. He knows i don't expect that from him and that sometimes i don't want it just because i don't want to depend on him but he does it anyway and always makes me smile. I don't know what i would do without my friends, i really don't. Amy, even though i don't see her much, does little things that touch me. She too has my back and always makes me forget about things in my life. I could go on and on about everyone but then this entry would be 5 pages long. So i guess i just want to thank everyone for all there help.
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| I need to have some fun |
[13 Mar 2007|10:25pm] |
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mood |
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 bouncy |
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music |
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Single by Natasha |
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ok boys here is the deal. I have been single for quite a while now but as of recently, i have thrown my past in the past and have become more than 100% single. You may not exactly know what i mean by that but it's ok, it doesn't really matter. I'm ready to date again, not a relationship quite yet because my heart has recently been broken and i'm waiting for my heart to be strong again. I wrote in my journal the other day, the qualities i want in a man and here they are......
-someone who loves God
-Someone who wants to go to church
-someone who can still have fun
-someone who is strong willed inside
-someone who can motivate me
-A GOOD KISSER
-someone who can keep me on my toes
-someone who makes me feel good inside and does not put me or my thoughts down
-someone who loves cats and is not allergic to them
-someone who wants to hang out with my friends and wants me to hang out with theres
-someone who can make me laugh
-someone who gives me a challenge
-someone who is up for ANYTHING
-and most of all, someone who can love me for me
I don't want any fakes and i don't want any lies, no leading me on and no using me on the side!!!!
I'm ready to be me again and start over. I have recently forgotten what love was but i know that i can be taught again!!
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| This is just a tribute |
[01 Mar 2007|11:14pm] |
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mood |
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chipper |
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I think i just added a new hobbie to my list...... Passing out in class.
Yup that's right, i did it again! I don't know what i'm going to do with myself! Anyway, i have a wonderful mother who drove all the way out to western just to pick me up because she didn't want me driving and than drove me home. I'm so thankful for the love of my mother and my friends!
Jenn, Kelly, Gabi, Adam, Rob, Mallory, and my sisters........
You have all been so amazing to me and are always there when i need a friend to call. You 8 have saved my life more than you could imagine. Things got tuff this year and the last two years but every single one of you stuck my side even when i was annoying and in tears EVERY DAY! I just wanted to tell each of you what you mean to me and that i appreciate your calls of concerns, your prayers, and your forgiveness.
Adam,
I don't know many people who would come over and pick me up or stay with me whenever i have felt sick or upset. I also don't know many guys who will pay for any meal of mine when we are just friends or who will spend $40 on vitamins and chocolate covered bunnies and cough medacine just to make me feel better! You are always there when i call and you always know how to make a woman feel beautiful!
Jenn,
So many stories we have together. I don't know many people who will stand up for themselves as much as you do. You inspire me to be a better person and to stand up for what i believe. You have a very strong opinion and i always appreciate it even when i don't agree. You always seem to know the exact words that i need to hear as if you know EXACTLY what i am going through. I don't know of many friends who will be willing to pain for Penara bread at every meal when i do not have a dollar to spend. You are there for me when i need help and when i am stuck and have always gotten me out of the worst situations and for that, i thank you so much!
Kelly,
Thanks for putting up with all my tears of sadness and pain this year. I know I have been a BIG pain but no matter what you always let me know you love me and always give me advice. Thanks for always being there to help me and doing things for me when i was stuck in bed. I'm so glad we lived together this year and i will miss you next year. Thanks for taking such good care of my babies and always protecting me from the things i could not always see. I love ya babe
Rob,
you have been here for me through so much. There are not many people that i can open up to and talk to about things like i have with you. You are one of the people i have always called when i'm upset and you are one of the best listeners i know. Thanks for listening to my bad times and always making me feel better. You have such an amazing heart and are always there for EVERYONE! I thank God everyday that we have become so close.
Krista and Kayla,
You two are more than amazing sisters. We have such a strong bond between the three of us that could never be broken. Whenever we get together, we do nothing but laugh at each other and our family and the good times we have with each other. Staying up late and talking at night while we all share a bed is one of my favorite memories with you two. You have always been by myside through every pain and every happy moment of my life and for that i am greatful. Kayla, i can't wait to live with you next year. I think God can only bring us closer than what we are. As Christina says, "Come on over".
Mallory,
Meeting you this year has made my year so much fun. Talking to you about boys has always been great memories. Canada was amazing with you and i'm so glad we have become close. You are such a sweet heart and even though we do not have many past memories, we have many great one and more great ones to come. Thanks for listening to my every moment of sadness and calling me to check up on me. There has been so many days where you were the one who made me feel good!
Gabi,
What can i say when there is so much. You make me feel so beautiful inside and you always put a smile on my face when you call me at random times just because you miss me. I know things have been up and down these last few years but we always seem to come out on top. You were there for me in the very beginning and you are still here now. That says a lot about someone to stick around through all the hard times. I love your energy and you make me want to get up and explore the world. Thank you for being here for me and always telling me what you think even when i have disagreed. You are an amazing family and i love what you do to me!
All i can say is that i am one lucky person to have these people in my life!
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| dumbness |
[27 Feb 2007|01:36pm] |
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mood |
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 hungry |
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I'm sick of teachers who don't care, who are not responsible and who are complete *itches. I could hardly see the words on my midterm today because i was seeing double. I had two darvasets in me and my back IS still in pain. They did help a little but not like i wanted them too. I can't sit today and i could hardly walk when i first got out of bed today. I can walk better now but really slow. I can't lift my leg and i could hardly put on my pants, socks and shoes this morning. I hate the pain but in all honesty....
I would rather be in pain and know that it came from having fun then sitting around watching everyone else do things while i feel fine!
This weekend i went to Great Wolf Lodge with my ENTIRE family and had a blast. I went down waterslides and got soaking wet in the water park. I'm done saying "I can't" and i told my mom that this weekend.
I'm sick of being left out because of my back. I can do things, i just have to be careful and not go way over the top.
I'm still a little worried about a certain situation because i don't know if it's going good or bad. To me, it's going good but someone wants to talk to me about it and i don't know how to take it. Either way, i'm not worrying to much about it and i'm not getting myself all worked up about it anymore. But i will need to be CONVINCED that what may happen will be good and is right.
I'm finally doing good, even through the bad times and i'm not going to let that change!
The only thing that is bothering me is that i just want to give up on school because i really just want to be a stay at home mom and i'm sick of trying to get through this with my darn back distracting me all the time. I know i will graduate someday but it sucks when everyone else will be done 2-3 years before i will when we all started at the same time.
Can life ever be perfect for just ONE day?
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| fake |
[18 Feb 2007|11:59pm] |
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mood |
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cheerful |
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Am I a fake?
Are we all fakes?
I have been hiding behind my problems lately and not living the life i want to live. I have faked happiness lately, mostly to my family only to not dissapoint them. I have noticed that the only time i am truely myself lately is when i have a drink. I'm not afraid to let anything out because i can blame it on the alcohol. It's funny though because half the time i'm not even drunk, maybe a little tipsy but i get all this energy because i know i can let it all out so people think i'm drunk. I hate that i've been like this.
This weekend opened up my eyes a lot. Saturday night i danced ALL night with John and had the most amazing time at the wedding. I was completely myself and just let go and laughed all night long. It felt so good to be me and happy again. I used to have all this energy but it seems that when you get down, your energy goes down as well.
I went to church today and this also made me realize that i have not been living my life the way i want. Pastor jim said, "faith is believing in the bible but Great faith is living it. I have always had faith but somewhere along the line, i lost most of it. I didn't trust life, i didn't believe in fate, i didn't believe in anything.
I MISS ME
AND I'M DETERMINED TO FIND ME!!
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| so sick of drama |
[13 Feb 2007|09:32pm] |
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mood |
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 frustrated |
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why is that the more you frustrate me and the more you make me so angry, the more i want you and the more i want to run back to you. I love a challenge and i don't stop until i get it. But this challenge is different. I don't want to accomplish this one but yet i wont stop until i do and it's tearing me down. You don't do things for me, you never do the things i want to do. It's all about you. You and your attitude that always makes me feel like i'm the one to blame. Well i'm not always the one to blame and no matter if i am or not, i'm always the first to apologize. How did i let you gain this much control of me and how come i can't set myself free. It's like your an adiction that i can't stop. I NEED to stop and move on because i have a feeling that you are only hating me more and more.
Tomorrow is going to be weird because it has your name all over it. I so badly want to just run over there an see you but i shouldn't. I'm not allowed to. We are best friends yet we act like enemies. I have only tried to be your friend and make you happy and that should work both ways. Then why is it that i feel like i'm doing all the work. Maybe i'm the only one who cares anymore. Maybe YOU just LOST LOVE!
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| by myself |
[11 Feb 2007|07:40pm] |
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mood |
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 curious |
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I have been ignoring live journal mostly because i have just wanted to ignore my life. I have come to realize that i shouldn't have to rely on people to make my life happy. I have control over my life and lately i have lost that control. When you lose something that is your life, things tend to go crazy. I lost someone in my life that was my everything. He was my heart and my heart is my life. Without that, i felt like i had no life. Yes it was depressing but i don't need anyone anymore and i'm done with be depressed. I can be by myself and still be happy. Don't get me wrong, i do love being with people and having a relationship but I can't have that now. I need to be happy with myself.
To you who i lost, i'm sorry you let me go because I know i could have made you happy. I know we still love each other but that love is never going to be the same. You are an amazing person and always knew how to put a smile on my face. If this is what makes you happy then i need to stop holding you down. I wish it didn't have to be this way and i only hope that you don't regret this because i don't know if i could ever go back to you.
I'm done with games and i'm done with boys. I need a MAN, but just not for a little bit.
Here are my rules:
I'm allowed to date
I'm allowed to kiss
I'm allowed to cuddle
And I'm allowed to be happy
Other than that, NOTHING!
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[28 Jan 2007|09:36pm] |
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mood |
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bouncy |
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things are finally looking up
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| 4 years gone |
[13 Jan 2007|08:34pm] |
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mood |
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 nauseated |
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I can't do this much longer. I'm dying inside.
Why have you put me in a box?
A box that is hidden in the dark,
The darkness of the bacfk of your closet
A box that you only open up in secret
Why have you hidden me
and only open me when no one is around
Why do you even open me in the dark
when you have another box that you seem to cherish
Why does the other box get to be seen while i'm tucked away
Am I old? Am I ugly? Am i no longer good enough?
WHy do you say i am beautiful
then cover me up so no one sees
why do i feel wanted and hidden all in the same day
you always get my hopes up by opening me up
so why even pretend i am the one
when the other box is the one you show
Now it is your loss
this hidden box in the dark is closed
This box was made to be seen
to be seen for its tecture and beauty
This box may be old in your eyes
but is beauty in another
I NEED to let you go, I just don't know how to let go of my heart!
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| my luck with cops |
[24 Dec 2006|12:21am] |
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mood |
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sleepy |
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What is up with cops pulling me over lately. About 3 weeks ago at school i got pulled over around 1am. But he had a reason, i didn't have my lights on. Thank God he let me go without a ticket. So tonight i went and saw "The Pursuit of Happiness" and that movie is a little teary eye. So i'm already emotional. I turn on a GREEN errow and all of a sudden there is a cop behind me with his lights on. So i pulled over and again, a little confused. He told me i went on a red light when i never even saw a yellow light. I purposly double checked that it was green too so i could bet my life on it that it was not red. So all he did was take my license and looked it over and let me go. By the time he came back to my car with my license i was in tears because i was already emotional. I really think he just pulled me over to make sure i hadn't been drinking because he hardly looked at anything. At least i didn't get a ticket because if i would have, i would have faught it because there is no way that light was red
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[23 Dec 2006|12:13am] |
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What is this feeling deep down inside of me? I need to let it out! But how do you let something out when you don't even know what it is?
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[20 Dec 2006|12:00pm] |
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mood |
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 naughty |
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Oh i love experiencing new things...
They can be VERY interesting
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[17 Dec 2006|09:03pm] |
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mood |
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 flirty |
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I'm only updating because Jenn is wondering where i am at.
I'm here.......
Wait no I'm here........
or maybe here.........
Honestly, i don't really know where i am but it looks pretty good from my view point
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[14 Dec 2006|03:32pm] |
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mood |
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 exhausted |
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It's worse. I want to talk to you, but i no longer know how to,
The green light points right
I go left
Jesus walks on water
I walk on others
As the leaves shrivel up to prepare for winter
I curl up to hide in my corner
As i turn out the lights
and pull the covers over my head
i lay there breathing in the sharp pain
the pain of my problems passing through my mind
I drown myself in my sadness
my confusion, my stress
knowing life has taken a turn
a turn in the wrong direction
wishing i was a ghost to the world
my body is tight and cold
my heart no longer beating
and my lungs no longer breathing in the air
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[10 Dec 2006|11:18pm] |
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I'm lonely
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| Drama or no Drama |
[09 Dec 2006|08:43pm] |
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mood |
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curious |
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music |
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Lips of an Angel |
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My life is insane! I've had so many ups and downs this semester its been too crazy.
So this is just this last week.....
-had three exams thursday
-had 10 hours of sleep in two days
-stayed up for just about 24 hours to study
-went sledding behind Rob's truck with 9 other people
-got pulled over by a cop because my lights weren't on and i had a 1/4 barrel in my trunk
-played some sweet nintendo game of bowling and golf
-got a parking ticket when there was no sign that said i couldn't park there
-failed an exam
-failed a class and now probably not getting financial aid therefore probably not going to school next semester
-all this and still in the best mood ever
I don't know what it is today. I feel as if all of my problems were taken away jsut because of one little moment. That moment or hours, were the best hours i have had in a long time. When someone shows you how much they care, you don't really care about anything else!
And even though people may have a problem with me because of decisions i have made in the past, i don't care either. GET OVER IT! Life goes on and you just have to laugh about the stupid things that go on. I don't care if you have a problem with me being around! I'm still friends with everyone else and if you don't like that, then that's your problem but i'm still going to be around! Attitude or no attitude!
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| Snow play |
[05 Dec 2006|05:13pm] |
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mood |
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 dorky |
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music |
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let it snow |
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I love the spontaneousness of life.
Last night at midnight i was in my pj's getting into bed when i heard people screaming outside. So I opened my door and there was about 15 people and a dog from my appartment complex all running around in the snow. So they asked me to come out and i decided to. It was a blast running through snow, sliding on ice, chasing a dog, throwing snowballs at people's windows, go for a walk to the den, and just laughing so hard about nothing.
I love snow!
I was watching people go sledding behind cars and making snow angels. It was one of the best nights i have had in a long time. It definitely made my bad day AMAZING! I just hope this stays around for awhile so i can do more fun nights like last night!!
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| Love is not jealous |
[04 Dec 2006|12:41am] |
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mood |
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rejuvenated |
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music |
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can't hold me down |
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Aaron Smith you inspire me. I love you saying, "life is a joke." I take life too seriously and i need to stop. Life will go on and things will go up and down.
This week i have felt like the "bad guy" wherever i went. Not by all but just by some. Just because two people are now ex's does not mean they are not friends. If the both of us are fine with hanging out and doing parties then everyone else should be. I had just as much right to be there as everyone else. We were all friends before and just because we went through hard times doesn't mean that we can't still be friends. He wanted me there, therefore i went. It's none of your business unless we make it so stop trying to make me out as the "Bad guy" because i'm not. No one is. Things happen.
And as it goes with another friend, we are best friends. There is no limit as to when and why i hang out with you. I'm sick of people getting into everyones business when they don't even know the truth. Again just because we are ex's does not mean a DARN thing. We are friends and we are always going to be best friends. I'm sick of people judging, especially when they hardly know the person they are judging.
I'm sick of being jealous of love because love is not jealous. As the bible says,
Love is long suffering,
love is kind,
it is not jealous,
love does not boast,
it is not inflated.
It is not discourteous,
it is not selfish,
it is not irritable,
it does not enumerate the evil.
It does not rejoice over the wrong, but rejoices in the truth
It covers all things,
it has faith for all things,
it hopes in all things,
it endures in all things.
I need to let you go! This is what you want and i'm done being jealous. I'm better than this, it's not me.
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